my goodness...today's marketing presentation was a total disaster...i guess i'm such a failure when it comes to coordinating and delegating stuff...things which i thought had given clear instructions, came out all wrong..so much miscommunications... so waht if the powerpoint was done up well ahead of time...the presentation was still disastrous...i'm so disappointed with myself...

i used to like to take up leadership roles...esp wen i was in SJAB..but sighz...eversince i stopped helping out, other leadership roles tt i took up ended up with me messing up...after all these failures, i really dun dare to try anymore...but when i do some reflections, it seemed tt no matter wat we do..everything seemed to involve some form of leadership in one way or another..i hate decisions-making..i hate making the wrong decisions all the time..i hate being unable to be far-sighted enough...i hate my stupidity...sighz..

and toking abt stupidity...i thnk i get the hint from my friend..sighz...i understand now...i totally understood..it doesn't pay to be nice..it doesn't pay to be kind..it doesn't pay to wanna be helpful... in children church, we were always teaching the kids how we must love one another, how we must not treat anybody badly even if they hadn't been nice to us...how we must always always be a good samaritan..but in real life its difficult to do tt...and i've been put under these sort of tests times and times and times again...

i'm getting increasingly frustrated and in despair....till when can i finally see the fruits of my work of God? till when can i see my kindness be reciprocated? i've always tried my best to give love to the people ard me...God had given me such an abundance of love...its so overflowing...tts why i wanna everybody ard me to feel the love i have for them, be it for my family, my friends, my special someone....sometimes i can feel their appreciation and i feel so rewarded...but the times when i get shut out of their lives..when all i want is to show them there's people in their lives tt truely cared..with no strings attached...but they dun get it...i really wanna give up trying anymore..my heart is telling me its not right and not worth it to give up now but my head is saying, "forget it...no matter how u tell him this or that, no matter how u try to reassure him things are nv as bad as he made it out to be, he nv gets it..let someone else do the job..its not you tt he wants his heart to be touched.."

well...whatever then..i decided to listen to my head...cuz following my heart always turned out disastrous...its foolish and irrational to think witht the heart..

i'll make myself vanish from his life...since he's got so many friends anyway, read his blog and one will understand...since whether there's me as his friend or not, it makes no difference to him..so as the chinese way of saying, duo wo yi ge bu duo, shao wo yi ge bu shao.. there's only so much i can take the hurt from him as a friend...