i hate my ex workplace.

it sucks.

the open policies they "claimed" they encouraged.

the "welfare" they have, sucks.

everything abt them is disgusting.

DISGUSTINGLY LOUSY.  This is how i feel abt the management of JG.

Ever since the day i confronted S abt how wrong she is, in the way she's treating a fellow colleague, i knew i cant stand being in the coy any longer.

Even when the people offered to "have a good talk" abt my unhappiness abt their management, they're just only trying to brainwash you abt why THEY ARE RIGHT.

What utter BULLSHIT.

The Z incident i had before i left was the last straw.

In between there's so many disgusting things that happened, that when my sis told me smth tt happened today, i'm not the least bit surprised. Just extremely disgusted that the management still didnt seem keen to change for the better. FUCKERS.

Their discernment for the good and bad teachers are lousy...well, most of the time...

if they're tt damn good, then my eldest sis wun be constantly warning ting abt so many things with regards to the coy....i've a strong feeling she experienced it herself, thats why she could give all these warnings. but just because she dun complain to my mum, she thnks my sis has no probs. its always like tt.

WHY?

we chose to confide every single thing in my mum. at the end of the day, she'll scold us abt our complains. why is it wrong to let her know abt our prob? why cant she view it as us yearning to be close to her, like friends do. why cant she appreciate the fact tt she dun need to be like other mums who need to pry info out of their children and we tell her anth with no reservations.

thnk abt it. does she understand my eldest sis as much as she did for us? she gotta admit. she dun. which is why she had to search for her blog to find out abt her stuff.

i know part of her scolding us when we complained abt our problems is cuz she loved us and so she's feeling the hurt we felt. but being asians, rather than conveying the concern she had for us through loving gestures (eg, a hug), she scolded us to mask the discomfort of displaying affectionate actions.

i understood it fully well how it felt. Like myself, the refusal to display such acts of affection for my family also includes my need to retain my pride. which in turn gives me discomfort. One recent incident to illustrate it was yst with chuisan.

we were in the bedroom watching tv.

San accidentally hurt her back against the bed post. Immediately, a small voice at the back of my head wanted to hug her and ask if she was ok and need me to help her in anyway. But my actions and actual speaking tone refused to cooperate and came out just the opposite.

i said in a harsh tone : " ok not?"

"ya" san said.

thats all.

then after a moment hesitation, i told myself, God wouldnt be pleased with me in treating my sis this way. so i forced myself to put down my pride and i told her : "actually ah, i really wanted to know if yer ok. why u so clumsy. so u ok not. does it hurt alot? need me to help u massage?" and in between i added things like "peifen is probably the one that'll give such immediate reaction. she's the only one who can do tt."

but then again, when i thnk abt it, actually i thnk all the other girls would react like her too...esther, liyi, charissa, amanda, lydia, geraldine....all our female friends would definitely showed her such concern....only me, her blood sister, dun do tt.

sighz.

what a failure i am.

for years i've tried to teach myself to lower my pride and shrink my ego. i've succeeded sometimes, but many times i still dun. why do i feel the need to hide my true concern for people close to me because of pride and ego?

i really love my family and my friends.

many times i just wanna give them all a big hug and tell them i love them and i appreciate them so so so much.

i'm working towards it.

so if one fine day i muster the courage to display an act of affection. dun be surprised or thnk i'm crazy. instead, pls encourage me and tell me yer proud of me.

we will nv know what will happen nxt.

i dun wanna regret only when the chance is gone.