today is looking somewhat better.

because i managed to get yet another chapter revised for the upcoming exam?
or because i just had a really great time chatting with a good friend?
or is it because i was able to help lessen the load off my friend's mind by lending her a listening ear?

whatever it is...today had been better than yesterday.

.....having just ended a phone conversation with a good friend, i was about to turn in for the night. just about to close the window of my blog. but decided to visit a few blogs before i call it a day. bad choice. not that bad actually. just that i had just successfully pushed away the sleepiness that had initially emerged. amazing. given the fact that i was experiencing sleepless nights recently. but having read their blogs, thoughts are racing through my mind.

so much things had happened these past days. but it does not concerned me. it was regarding my friend's r/s problems. not only did she shared about her problems..we shared alot about our pasts. happy or sad. all was blurted out. i'm enjoying it though. it gives me the chance to reminisce all those sweet memories. but it also reminded me of all the evil side of mankind.

what struck me the most had been the value of sefishness vs selflessness...

its amazing to discover that despite having experienced tremendous number of selfish friends who had almost destroyed my childhood and secondary school life...i was still able to keep that faith that i'll eventually still meet selfless people.

God really works in the most wonderful ways. in times when we least expects it, He'll reveal answers to prayers that we so yearned to be answered.

am i considered fortunate to have been able to experience the 2 extremes of it? one, during my secondary life, where a person can be totally selfish that nothing else matters more than being able to save her own skin? or the other extreme, so selfless that despite struggling with her own problems, still kept up a brave front just so that she could lend me a listening ear for my seemingly childish problem?

what was it that was actually running through every individuals' mind, at the point when someone was soughing for their help? what was it that let them decide to be selfish or selfless that instant? if given a scenario where there would be no cost involved if they rendered their help, would selfish people still do it? but then again, what defines selfish people. do they really exist?

say for example, A is on a packed MRT cabin. he sees a heavily pregnant lady standing. the thought of giving up his seat came to him instantly. but having had a long day at work, he felt reluctant to give up his seat. so he didn't. selfish? i guess onlookers would probably would have thought it too? since he is in every capacity, able to stand. any tiredness he was experiencing, most probably is nothing compared to that of the pregnant lady. right?

but....if there's a change of scenario. A's hand is actually in a cast. but his legs are perfectly fine. and he's not in the least bit tired. similarly, he still doesn't give up his seat. now...would we consider him selfish? i personally suspect that there could be a 50% chance that some would argue that its not selfish. he's injured. though its the arms, but he's injured.

what am i driving at? i'm just really curious. curious about what made people do the things they did?

take myself for example. many times in the past, i do come across people who needed seats more than i did. but i did not gave it up. my reason? somehow i felt that it was embarrassing to stand up and offer my seat. so silly, u may think. but that was what truly went through my mind, which was why, in the end, i did not give up my seat. not because i didn't want to because i was tired. but simply because i was shy to.

i was about to post the question, "so is this considered selfish?"...then suddenly the answer struck me so obviously. its a big YES! i did not give up my seat just because i was 'timid'(so to speak..ha..) for the sake of my own 'face', i decided to not do something i should have done.

well...i guess, in the midst of writing this entry, i had managed to answer my own question.

it doesnt matter how seemingly valid the reason a person has for not doing what should have been done. but as long as a person is able to come out from his comfort zone and offer the help that was needed, he is considered being selfless--- he had put aside his own interest for the fulfilment of favour for others....and not expecting something in return..

nothing else matters. i just want to continue striving to be selfless. like what Jesus is like. friends may tell me to stop being nice to people who are so obviously manipulating my kindness. but i believed i'm doing it for God. not for anybody else. i want to touch the hearts of people through my acts of kindness and selflessness so that even the hard-hearted ones would come to know, experience and enjoy the eternal love of God.

i'm not trying to be a saint. i really just wanna be a good testimony. beacause i thnk i have failed terribly as a christian all these years. its time i put myself back on the right track.