My sister had been constantly listening to Corrinne May's latest album, "Beautiful Seed"... it is indeed a very beautiful album...the songs were well written, accompanied with meaningful lyrics..
and the best part? there is a story behind each and every song..
i had more free time today
so i decided to go into her blog to find out more about this beautiful album
the descriptions of the stories behind the songs were amazing..
one of the songs that really touched my heart, "Five Loaves and Two Fishes", had a really inspiring description:


"Five Loaves and Two Fishes"


"This song is based on my favourite bible story. The story is about how Jesus made a miracle happen by taking five loaves and two fishes offered by a little boy, and using that to feed 5000 people. I think it’s an amazing story about how, no matter how small we may think about what we have to offer, we should trust that our offerings, our gifts are never wasted. Our gifts and our talents should be treasured for they can be used in many beautiful ways."


when i read it, it suddenly seemed to me that God is speaking to me.
Approaching the end of my 15month Diploma course, i feel like i'm suddenly once again thrown back into this pit of uncertainty and fearfulness.... i was once again in a confused state of mind about what i wanted to do.... whenever concerned friends asked about my plans for the near future, i would reply: "oh! i want to join SCDF's paramedic course!"...

but deep down, i was actually really worried..i wasnt sure if it could really work out...what if this plan of mine doesn't work out? where do i move on from here? do i go and take up a permanent job to gain my 2 yrs of working experience before entering UniSIM? or do i just enrol into UOL or RMIT like the rest of my classmates? but i'm not sure if my dad will be able to support my degree.

but i really wanna fulfil my dream as a medic. this was wat i wanted right from the beginning. but obviously, if SCDF dun wanna accept me, this would be a dream i can nv fulfil....

but if i were to work..would my dip be recognised? or would i be able to stay in a workplace for long? but what am i gonna work as? a pathetic student care teacher? entering data all day? what? what?

i really dunno what i wanted

i really thought my problems are solved once I'm done with this dip. but i feel like I'm back to square one. how come i dun seem to be feeling any sense of accomplishment? i still had no idea where i should be heading. i want to be like chuisan. keeping up the faith and obedience for God's plans for her.

i dun wanna fall back into depression. i hate the suicidal thoughts that seemed to forced themselves into my head whenever i got worried. the feeling of having no place to move on. the claustrophobia is suffocating me. the sleepless nights i'm beginning to experience is draining my energy away. i'm beginning to put my happy facade back on again. i dun want the vicious cycle to repeat once again. i hate myself for wanting to blog all these down. i dun want to draw unnecessary attention. but i have no other avenue to release these fears that i harbour.

right now, i might have been able to drive my troubles away temporarily through means of running during my gym sessions. but i find that i am beginning to struggle to keep up that energy level.

everything that i do, i'm losing interest. i'm losing motivation. i'm losing zeal.

sundays were a sort of release for me. to be in the temple of God. where for that moment i could convince myself to lay everything down at the cross. each night i prayed. i prayed for an open door. but i still do not see it. i dun want to stop trusting.

everything seem so temporal.

i'm still waiting for that light at the end of my dark tunnel.

i'm still waiting for God's reply. i know it'll come. i'm praying that it be quick.