i had nv felt so negative abt my life and the people ard me to this point before... but i'm so damn hurt and upset!
work had always given me a great sense of satisfaction and achievement when i successfully
completed my task independently. and i reaped my well deserved results recently when my direct manager praised me time and time again...even asking me if they could work smth out with me when i leave for my studies nxt year... he had said that he's impressed with my working and learning attitude... and i value add to my company...
who wouldnt be pleased to hear that from yer superior? the very one whom interviewed me and chosen me over other candidates.... it prides me to know that i had shown him that he had made a right choice...
having slogged so much for the past 4months, my rate of progress had made all my bosses and colleagues pleased with me...of course not forgetting to mention, the many problems i had faced, without the grace of God, i would nv have gotten out of it all so quickly.
i had learnt fast not by my own strength and i had put in my best effort cuz i wanted to please God. Since i had chosen to take up the challenge of this job, i will finsh the race and finish it well and not giving up like how i used to do.
but i still am human....i will break under pressure...and i'm definitely feeling it now...handling vessel after vessel with no breaks for me....
when i first joined this company, by the first week, i'm independently handling a vessel all by myself.... so i couldnt understand why Dawn isnt able to do it having spent 1.5months here aldy.
it's extremely tiring for me to stay up late in the office all the way to 10-11pm just to finish up my work so that i'll be ready to tackle the new tasks for the nxt day...and no matter how i tried start my preparations early, handling 2 vessels at a time is no easy task. there would bound to be hiccups where my efforts would come to naught.
today i had a very bad scolding from my shipper from Shell Eastern. all because she had not
received her B/L after vessel sailed 2 weeks ago. and the most ridiculous thing? i'm not even the one responsible for B/L. my job is to arrange all the documentations and bookings before vessel arrives, and after it sailed, my job is to consolidate B/L drafts and pass on to the B/L dept for processing...den i tally my vessel for local and transshipment shipments and i send the necessary reports, and my liability for the vessel ends there. period.
and today i was accused by her that i'm an irresponsible and inefficient person. wat a joke. when she faxed the B/L draft on 1st August, 6.45pm, i was still in the office doing my work. when i saw the fax came in, i had immediately pass on the draft to my colleague Esah to process while i went on to arrange for the export permit to be done for her. and the time when i sent out my export permit email, it was 7.09pm. at the same time Esah had finish processing the draft and faxed it back to her.
note this. we used less than 30min to complete our tasks and revert back to her. now 12days later, she's on the other side of my phone line and screaming all the accusations at me for not doing anth and not replying to her emails.
imagine my bewilderment when i nxt received an email from her addressed to me with my boss and manager copied in. and mind you, the things she said in the email to me is nth nice nor true. i felt so terribly upset. i did my job fast. just because something went wrong and she didnt received her B/L and i had all the false accusations rained on me.
thank God my managers in the loop knew that it couldnt have been my fault nor Esah's. and they helped me did all the explanations, saving me from another possible tongue lashing from the sales manager from the TOL office.
things didnt end there. later that evening i made a call to another shipper informing her that her shipment wasnt supposed to be accepted on the current vessel as vessel was overbooked. and i got another scolding. this is once again not my fault. it had been Dawn's overlook and gave her the confirmation without seeking advice from trade. when i found out Dawn's mistake, i tried my best to rectify the problem without making it obvious that its her fault. and so i ahd to face another blame and scolding. and i had to write an email to explain to the shipper's client why it hadnt been accepted and yet confirmation was given.
what to do? i could only apologise and said that i had overlooked the booking situation of the vessel and thus made the booking for them and ultimately it got rejected by trade.
to top it all off, back home i was again accused by my sister of smth i did not(so totally not) do.
all the hurt in my heart is so huge. i just feel like i'm gonna burst if one more accusation is made on me.
all my life. i've done so much for my sisters. yet something goes wrong, fingers point to me first. Fine. i wun talk abt past things. i dun wanna bear grudges. to be honest. i nv bear grudges. i often forget things quickly.
but right now i just feel like vanishing. i really wanna give up. its so difficult to stay afloat when u have unhappy burdens pushing u down.
if i'm ask to picture how i feel abt my current state of mind and situation i can only say "i feel trapped"...i feel like i'm chained to the seabed while i tries frantically to help myself stay afloat. my current faith level is just like that of seeing a boat a metre away from me with the fisherman wanting to help me free from the chain but he had nth to help me with. he's like the help---so near yet so far.
i hate to tell myself i'm just an artificial christian. i dun want to seek God only when in times of trouble. but when trouble really comes knocking, i have no problem blaming God.
if i feel hurt about being accused, wouldnt it be a million times worse for Him, whom had paid such a heavy price for us?
how i wish i can tell God face to face that i'm so sorry for all the things that i've done.
"in your holiness, i find redemption song, in your majesty, i find where i belong"
i just hate myself. i hate my life. i hate this entry.
i want to love again.
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