my mentor. my bro. my guardian angel at work. is leaving. leaving Swire for good. i'm dead meat. really dead meat. i'm only with Swire for >3months. without the slightest inclination to what shipping is abt. i'm only beginnig to catch on a little and feeling a teeny weeny bit more stabilized. Sam had to drop the bomb.

Sam: Hey Ally. once yer free, i'll teach u how to send out NGPL booking forecasts and how to do the bookings to POM and Darwin.

Me: ok

Sam: soon, i'll also have to teach u Bankline. u've gotta handle this 2 trades with jennifer.

Me: me? u mean those tt u've been doing with her? then wat abt u? *looking real shock*

Sam: i might be leaving nxt month.

Me: LEAVING?? (of course it wasnt tt loud..cuz he had been whispering..so i know we cant be heard)

Sam: yes. the work is taking a toll on my health.

Me: Bbuut... *splutters* i'm only he-er for 2 months....how to handle 2 trades??

Sam: u can. i have 1 month to teach u and the new colleague.

Me: sighz. ok. i'm busy. we'll talk later.

And there i am. doing my bookings, doing out the booking situation reports...and thoughts running through my head. Trying frantically to make sense of everything tt he had said.

WTH??? i have no idea what the Bankline and NGPL is all abt?! and i dun even know if those are 2 different trades..or wat?? H-E-L-P!!!

Sam had always been the one to pick up my mess. Whenever my vessels dun tally....he does it for me. i declare wrong ports, he lias for me. I check vessel reports wrongly, he teaches me. Anth to do with my vessels, special arrangements, he reminds me. he's practically my life buoy @ work. wat am i to do without my bro???

 nv knew wat to do if my vessels dun tally....cuz i dunno what the hell is going on!!!!

if i cant tally, i cant close vessel..i cant close vessel i cant send final tally report...i cant send final tally report, trade manager and new zealand people will be hounding me!!

i cant believe this. Come August, my nightmare will begin. I wanna be strong. But can i?...

and i just read Sion's blog. happened to come across his blog add a few days ago. tonight i decided to read some past post. i feel disturbed abt smth he wrote. regards to the taiwan trip. surely 'he' aint one of them. pls tell me 'he' didnt give in to temptation. i value trust alot too. i do. but my insecurities drives me crazy at times. i guess i just dun trust myself.

or maybe. i dunno who to trust anymore. with all the stress at work...the snatch theft incident...i dun wanna fall into another period of depression again. the suicidal inclinations really scares me. the insomnia bothers me. the lifelessness numbs me. the facade in the day tires me.

i'm still not getting over the incident in KL. since i'm back. stupid innocent incidents freaks me out. i tried telling Yang tt night. but i dun thnk he understood how terrified i am.

i'm terrified of being alone now. why. why did it happen to me? it may seem like no big deal. but it haunts me. replays through my mind like there's no stop button. i hate it!

i used to love daydreaming...but now...if i ever allow myself to daydream....the incident replays thru my mind involuntarily. 

i want this part of my memory to go away. how long is it gonna take me?

Marco's rite. it bothers me cuz nobody wld expect such things to happen to them.

so why me.